TOOLS IN MY TOOLBOX
How to be happy before you get what you want.


     

Tool #1

 

How will you feel when you get what you want?

 

We all have something that we are sure if we “got it” we would be happy. How would you feel? Spend a few minutes imagining how you would feel, notice your body, the look on your face, the feeling in your heart. If you can imagine it then you really don’t need these things after all. Of course it would still be great to have them, and I will admit it is easier when we have our props. The challenge comes when what we want feels unattainable and we begin to grieve just from the thought of not being able to get it.

 

What if you started each day imagining you have everything you want and need? Take a few minutes before you begin and feel the feelings. You are the only one that keeps you from these feelings, the lack of the external thing is only your excuse. You can let yourself feel whatever you want, including feeling completely abundant and loved, this is your choice.

 

Tool #2

 

Nice Shoes

 

As we discover that it is up to us to feel happy, one of the challenges is being around others who we feel are “negative” It is important to understand that you have to be negative to see negative. Is it a positive position to notice that someone is negative?

 

Here’s my suggestion:

 

If you are doing your best to stay positive and someone approaches you that pushes your buttons. Start at the top of their head and begin scanning them head to toe. If you get to their feet and you still can not think of something positive, tell yourself “Nice Shoes”. You will have set yourself into a positive position and it will be easier to move through the experience. It is not anyone else’s job to change in order to help us be more comfortable with their experience. It is our job to be comfortable enough with ourselves that we can stay centered in all situations.

 

Tool #3

 

Row your own Boat

 

Here’s a simple test to discover how environmentally dependent you are. Remember the children’s song Row, Row, Row Your Boat? Get together with a group and sing it in a round, each person singing their own part. Can you hold steady with your part or are you easily distracted by others when they begin singing theirs? In life we often are more comfortable being our self when we are alone or in the company of those we are comfortable with. If we adjust our behaviors when we are around other’s it can feel like a personal invalidation, this is not what we want to feel.

 

Practice singing this song and when you get good at it use it when others lives become distracting. If you feel yourself giving up your life because you think some else’s is more important, sing a few rounds of this song and remind yourself that your part counts too. As you learn this you will find it is easier to be a witness of other’s experiences and still maintain your own life.

 

Tool #4

 

Whose job is it?

 

Is it the bartender’s fault if you get drunk?

It is up to us to maintain a strong center and to make choices that support our goals. If you are trying to quit drinking and are unable to go into the bar without being tempted to drink then it is a smart choice not to go in. Ideally it would be great to be able to go in, visit with your friends, and not drink. It is up to you to make the right choice.

 

Life is the same, decide how you want to feel and realize it is up to you to discover ways to maintain those feelings. Family gatherings are notorious for sparking old behaviors, or “getting drunk”. It is not because of anyone in your family, or because of anything they have done, that you respond this way. If you think about it, often you begin responding before you even arrive, just thinking about the experience can alter your mood.

 

You are the only reason that you feel the way you do.

 Finish these sentences:

 

I feel the way I do because I _____________________________________

 

My life looks like it does because I ________________________________

 

My life will start getting better when I _____________________________

 

I know the most important thing I need to do right now is _______________

 

I am the most uncomfortable with myself when I ______________________

 

I am the most comfortable with myself when I ________________________

 

I feel like I need to _________ ____________________________________

 

I really want to ________________________________________________

 

Notice this is all about you and what you are going to do and recognizing that it is up to you to be honest with yourself. Take responsibility for your own happiness and you will see a big change immediately.

 

Tool #5

 

Whipped Cream on Shit

 

Many of us had difficult experiences in our childhood that left us with opinions that do not support happiness. We grew up and discovered we could “Think Positive” and use a wide variety of healing tools to feel better. If you are like most people that I know you have explored at least a few alternative therapies in an effort to change how you feel. This is what I call “Whipped Cream on Shit” It is an insatiable process that can become exhausting. As long as you are keeping the positive input going you can appear to be happy. Stop doing those affirmations and in a few days your “shit comes up”. Consider taking time to give your inner child what they need, then you will receive the complete benefit of all of the wonderful things you do for yourself.

 

I believe that by the time you are five you have decided what is true about life. Ask your inner five year old what he/she thinks is true about life. Do you feel nurtured, do people listen to your needs, and do you feel safe?  Make a list of what your inner child is mad, sad and disappointed about, I always like to use a crayon when working with my child. When you get your list ask yourself if you are still having the same feelings and notice how this is affecting your life. If this child that was you came to live with you what would they need? What haven’t they been getting? Now you are beginning to develop a list of what you most need.

 

Think back to the first time you remember getting in trouble, what was it for? Are you still struggling with something that is similar? Someone told you that a part of your behavior was not OK, and you believed them. It is time to reframe how you feel about this part of yourself and feel something new and supportive. Design an affirmation for this and let your inner child feel it.

I believe the true core issue we all have began the first time that someone convinced you that you were wrong or undeserving of love. The problem is not what they said or did; the issue began when we believed them. We betrayed our self when we chose to stop feeling loved and supported. Granted, many of us were very young and the external influence is very powerful. It is important to now take the time with yourself and heal this in order to be happy.

 

Tool #6

 

Living in Enthusiasm

 

Enthusiasm                            Expansion

 

Mild Interest                          I am

 

Boredom                                Being

 

Anger                                    Action

 

Sarcasm                                Shift

 

Victim                                   Vent

           

Passivity                                Power Up

  

I have listed above what I call the “ladder of emotions”.

It provides a scale to determine where you are and what you need to do in order to be enthusiastic. The list on the left indicates the feeling; the list on the right indicates what is required. Positive changes happen when we are coming from a level of enthusiasm. The way to move up the ladder is through self nurturing, doing good things for yourself. Doing things that do not support you move you down the ladder. When you determine where you are, you can count how many steps to the top and that tells you how many supportive things you need to do.

 

PASSIVITY~ Here is where we bury old experiences that we do not know what to do with at the time. As we begin to self nurture these memories will begin to surface and could effect your emotions. Sometimes passivity is when you wake up and do not want to get out of bed.

 

POWER UP ~ Just like your computer, when you first turn it on it takes a minute to power up. If you wake up and do not feel like participating then give yourself an allotted time to just lay there and do nothing, giving your body a chance to catch up. Sometimes it’s a few minutes other times it could be longer. Listen to your body, it will tell you when it is ready to move.

 

VICTIM ~ If your reasons and excuses involve anyone else, then you are feeling like a victim. We can also feel victimized by our body when we feel our disease is not of our choosing.

 

VENT~ Occasionally we just need to vent. We are not trying to fix the situation, we just need to air it out. The best place to do this is in front of the mirror, since what we notice is a reflection of our self.  Talk our loud until you have truly heard what you are saying.

 

SARCASM ~ This is covert hostility. Sarcasm says “I am really mad about this, but don’t worry I am not going to do anything about it.” This has become a socially acceptable way to express our anger because others do not feel threatened by it.

 

SHIFT~ Sarcasm is a red flag that says you need to shift your viewpoint. If you have been in passivity, sarcasm can be a good sign because you are moving up. If you have previously been enthusiastic, then this is an indicator that you are dropping down.

 

ANGER~ Anger is an indication that something is going on in your life that is not working for you and you have realized that you have not changed it. It is not what is happening but the awareness that you are allowing it that creates the anger. You are never mad at others, only yourself for not making the changes.

 

ACTION~ Recognize what is not working and do something to change it. Some things can not be changed and it will be up to you to change your view point on the situation. This is still taking action.

 

BOREDOM~ Have you ever been tired of being mad? This means you have moved up and it is very important what you do when you are here. If you do something you so not enjoy you will find yourself feeling anger. If you do something you do enjoy you will begin to feel mild interest in your life.

 

BEING~ The best thing to do when you feel bored is take time out to just be, do nothing, just sit quietly for a few minutes. It is very healthy to give your entire self a time out, it’s like recharging.

 

MILD INTEREST~ At this point you now have your attention and as you continue to nurture yourself you will feel the enthusiastic about it. Your body will respond quickly to you taking an interest in your self.

I AM ~ As you are in the state of “being”, observe yourself then finish this sentence: I am __________________. Simply observe yourself and your body will feel you taking an interest and will feel loved and supported.

 

ENTHUSIASM~ You are feeling radiant and it is easy to make changes when you feel this way. Others will find it easy to be supportive because it will be obvious that you are making good choices.

 

EXPANSION~ The action of observing your self being and defining the I AM creates an opportunity for you to discover new parts of your self. This is an expansive experience.

 

*If you are in sales, notice what level your client is at and you can easily determine how many things you need to do to move them to a point of enthusiasm. They are reflecting you and doing positive things together will ensure you both reach a level of enthusiasm. People buy and make clear choices when they are in this state.

 

Tool #7

 

Have you ever met your inner room mate?

 

If I invited your higher self/ inner self/ or what I call the “inner room mate” into conversation and asked them to describe the relationship you have with them, what do you think they would say? Do you listen to the advice being given by your inner voice? Do you notice what your needs are and take care of them? If someone treated you like you treated your inner self, what would that relationship look like? Does it look like the relationships you are having?

 

Other people can only treat us the same way we treat ourselves, this is all we will be comfortable with. If you want others to treat you well, show them what that looks like. Listen to yourself and take care of your needs.

 

Tool #8

 

How far back do I need to stand?

 

If you get too close to the fireplace you will get burned. If you stand too far back you will not be able to benefit from the warm that is offered. The same is true with relationships. When we stand to close or too far back we may feel like our needs are not being met. It is up to us to explore and discover where we each need to stand in our relationships. Back up until you can feel your heart being open. Too close or too far away will not be comfortable. It is up to you to choose where you stand in all of your experiences.

 

Tool #9

 

Lipstick on the mirror

 

We often believe that it is what others are doing that is creating the problem. If we could just get them to change, life would be better. It’s time to remember that what we see in each other is a reflection of a part of our self. Asking others to change is like putting lipstick on the mirror, it doesn’t solve it.

 

Tool #10

 

Happiness is a choice

 

With every experience comes the opportunity to respond any way that we choose. We can set the intention to take the high road and always look for the gift. If you want to be happy ever after, all you have to do is choose to be happy about everything that happens. There will always be a reason to feel grateful in each moment. It is our job to remember this.